First Snow

The first snow to actually take temporary residence on the ground. It sure makes for a beautiful morning. Snow-covered branches wind-dancing with a backdrop of a cloudless azure blue sky. As I deeply draw in the cool, fresh air, I feel my lungs expanding to capacity, and satisfying the oxygen levels in my bloodstream. The brilliant sunlight begins to melt the snow off the branches of the bare and glistening trees. It sounds like rain hitting the ground in a steady rhythm of mini percussive explosions. What a wonderful way to start the day, senses alive and feeling the urge to run full throttle into the day. There is so much beauty to gaze, at as the Earth begins its winter hibernation. Have I ever really noticed it before, or am I seeing it all with new eyes? Is it just something that comes with the journey towards 50, or perhaps it was always there within me, and I just needed to tap into it? Whatever the case, I am enjoying my surroundings speaking to me in such profound ways, and with such clarity. Never have I felt so alive before, so keenly aware of life’s lessons. They are there for us to absorb if we will only take the time to truly see with eyes wide and open. Enjoy the chill, the snow-covered hills, they are there for us…to recharge and renew our very souls.

You Might Recall

“My hopes were as the leaves upon the water, just sunk in the night.” ‡ Can you picture beautiful fall leaves gently floating atop a crystal clear lake? Ironically, the very element keeping them afloat will eventually hasten their journey below the surface. That picture reminds me of the times in my life when I thought I was standing solidly on a firm foundation. Only now in retrospect, do the realize that the ground I was traveling was the proverbial sinking sand. Many relationships come to mind, especially my first marriage. The very thing that seemed good and right in my life, was sucking the very life force out of me. I knew very early on that it was a caustic relationship but in the name of marriage, I kept trying to add bags of sand so it wouldn’t sink. This only added to the ever-present quicksand that lies beneath, just below the surface. Bags and bags of sand were added to shore up and extend the life of a relationship that was sadly on life-support. I was told a long time ago by a baseball coach that you should always do everything you can and beyond, in a situation to stave off the guilt and regrets that will inevitably come down the road. I didn’t want to be sitting on a barstool one day, wondering if I had done everything humanly possible to save my marriage. Humanly is the operative word here. I did everything I could humanly do at the time, and over time, I came to terms with the divorce. None of us like to fail, and divorce is just that, a miserable failure. We pledge our devotion and make our vows before God and man, and with everything, within us, we intend to keep our commitment. When it all crumbles to the ground, we feel we lied and are not capable of keeping a promise, even to ourselves. Well three years later, and enjoying the bonding of two hearts once again. I feel as though the tables have turned. I feel like a leaf that is still firmly attached to the tree. It is free to catch water on its surface and use it to nourish itself and the tree. No longer is there the loneliness of riding the waves of uncertainty, but the rain is now harnessed to cleanse and bring life to the leaf. Now, when the rains come, they cause the roots to dig deeper into the soil. The tree is steady, planted firmly where none of life’s harsh elements can bring it to ruin. There is a peace that comes with a firm foundation, and a hope that grows deep within my tree of life. ‡ You Might Recall Ó 1982 Gelring Ltd.

Goodnight And Farewell

The darkness covers the landscape like a thick blanket across a bed of fresh, crisp linen. As I stand outside my apartment gazing skyward, through the outline of the barren trees the stars begin to wink at me to bid goodnight and farewell. Such peace overtakes my body, I feel at rest and ready to head off to bed. But suddenly, my mind begins to race with a million thoughts a minute. Thoughts of people with struggles much greater than mine. My struggle tonight it seems will be sleep itself as many faces run through my mind like a time-lapsed movie, morphing themselves to clear consciousness Physically I am tired and ready, but my mind will not allow itself to shut down for the night. I think of my sister struggling in her fight for life and wholeness. The disease that is invading her body, and the long road she faces to find wellness. I think of my Mom and Dad, worrying about my sister and all of us kids. I think of my brothers, with their own struggles and restless thoughts. I think of those I know struggling to make ends meet in these tough economic times. I think of those that worry for their uniformed loved ones in harm's way in faraway lands. I think of those that might read this that are struggling with some of life’s heavy burdens. I hope the solutions will find their way to you soon. I even think a selfish thought. If I can’t sleep tonight, how will I feel in the early morning as I rise to greet the day and ready myself for work? Why do I care so much? Why do I let so many things occupy my thoughts? I guess I must come to grips with the fact that I am a feeling human being, sensitive to my surroundings and to those I love and care about. It is a burden sometimes to care, but I must embrace it, it is who I am. It will eat me alive if I don’t, and cause too many sleepless nights if I run from it. Maybe that is the key, to accept the burdens we have before us and not say “Why me?” Maybe, just maybe for me, I should be saying “Why not me?” I am feeling peace from within now. My brain has allowed my hand to speak for it, to clear the clutter, to pick up the pen, and translate its burdens on paper to see with honest and true clarity. I am feeling at ease now. Relaxed and truly peaceful. At last, I can now return to the stars offering goodnight and farewell.

Another Day To Seek And Wonder

Dawn brings the excitement of a brand new day Cool crisp air felt against my skin The smell of coffee brewing fills my senses Another day to seek and wonder Overnight stars still in the sky Will give way to daylights soon arrival The birds chirping to say good morning Another day to seek and wonder Breakfast ends my morning hunger Coffee hot warming my mortal coil My thoughts go drifting to distant places Another day to seek and wonder The Autumn leaves lay in their place Fell to the ground as I slumbered Baron trees in their lifeless glory Another day to seek and wonder

People, Places, and Things

People, places, and things, running through my mind today. So many people I think about daily, so many places I’ve been to or want to see. So many things I want, or already possess. I wish I could gather everyone together in one place, to visit, catch up or just be together. Places of my past that hurt to think about, places I want to heal, and experience with different eyes. Places in my future, I want to run to and experience now what they hold for me down the road. Things from my childhood I cherish today and willingly carry into my tomorrow. People, places, and things act as mile markers for our lives. As people from our past leave, the road ahead seems somewhat uncertain unless the marker they left for us is clear and precise. The places are the experiences we’ve had along the way that cause us to broaden our vision and enable us to remain steadfast in our pursuit of a new horizon. The things are what we have taken with us to illuminate even the darkest places. People come and go, and regardless of the length of their stay, the footprints they leave remain long after the waves have crashed the shoreline to saturate the sand. Places in our minds, where we run for solace, beckon us to come amid life’s clutter. The things are the nuggets of gold we carry in the pocket of our heart, whose value increases with time. We all have people, places, and things that make us who we are. But have you ever stopped to entertain the thought, that you are an important person, that you have created a safe place for others, and that you hold the things in your heart that others need and desire? It’s a very simple yet profound dynamic, that we see the worth of others with clarity, and we struggle to see with that same clarity our worth to others. It’s not egocentric to assume your place in the lives of others, it’s essential. Be that person, in that Place, willing to offer all Things all the time.

My Big Sister

The other day I found out that my big sister has cancer. We don’t know much in the way of a prognosis at this time, but we will learn more after her Oncologist visit next week in Reno, Nevada. It seems so cruel and unethical (to me) for a Nurse Practioner to give that kind of news over the phone. But then again, maybe it beats waiting even another day to hear your biopsy results. I can only imagine what was going through her mind as she was told the news. Not long ago, cancer was a death sentence with no hope. I know for a fact after seeing my dad and brother go through cancer treatments, great medical strides have been made in the area of oncology. She has Endometrial cancer or cancer of the uterus. Endometrial is not a word that ever vibrated my vocal cords before, but I’m sure in time it will be a frequently used word in my lexis. Like I told her on the phone the other night, this is a dark time right now, devoid of any real hard facts or a game plan. In due time, everything will reveal itself in the light of truth and information. The fear will give way to understanding, and understanding will usher in the determination to battle this foe. My sister is tough, a fighter, and a survivor. Right now she doesn’t feel that way through the tears, but even the strongest warriors have tears. Fear comes from that which is unknown, security comes through knowledge and the revelation of truth. There is no shame in tears, no condemnation for the hopeless thoughts that initially come with news of this magnitude. But I know in time, this will be a valuable and precious time for her to grow as a person, a woman, and as a member of a family that loves her dearly. We Love You, Dee!

Sports Fan

It sure was tough rolling out of bed at 4:45 Tuesday morning. Especially after a long Columbus Day weekend. Staying up late for Monday Night Football didn’t help either. But it was well worth the lack of sleep seeing my beloved Miami Dolphins win. Not that I’m such a “Big” sports fan, but I do love my teams. Monday night was a good night for me sports-wise. The New York Rangers won 7-2 over the Toronto Maple Leafs, and of course, my Dolphins beat the New York Jets 31-27 in the upset of the year. The Yankees are having a great season, but I have to say that baseball has had its day with me. I do watch it, but only when the Yanks are on, and there is nothing better to do. Rangers Hockey and Dolphins Football have priority. I have been known in the past to plan life’s events around the games. But now I don’t think my wife would understand that for one minute and rightly so! Many have asked me why I am a Miami Dolphins fan. I was born at Memorial Hospital in Miami, Florida so it was natural when the Dolphins came to the AFL in 1966 that I would root for them. Plus the fact, that my Dad was glued to the television on Sunday afternoons watching the Dolphins play. I loved those times watching with him, and I even learned my present-day style of yelling at the referees through the TV from him. I always think of him when I watch and wonder if he is staying up late to watch, or if the game is on in Virginia. Sometimes I call him to see if he is watching too. Sometimes I forget. I became a New York Rangers fan in 1972, the year I moved from Katonah to Chappaqua, New York. I met a girl named Laurel at my bus stop. She always talked about the Rangers and made hockey sound so exciting. I always thought Hockey was some “Communist Sport”, and never paid it much attention. Back in those days, we didn’t have Cable TV on Hog Hill Road. We lived too far off the main road, where the cable was just making its way to the area. Laurel’s family had Cable, and she would occasionally invite me over to watch games. I think at first I was more amazed at how clear the picture was, as opposed to the fuzzy picture we got at home from the antenna received broadcasts. After a while I started really getting into the games, listening to the radio and dancing around my room when the Rangers would score a goal. I still do a bit of dancing when they score, but I would say it is much more subdued. So now I have DIRECTV, I can watch every game. They even rebroadcast the games again if I miss the live game. What a great thing…or is it? Maybe too much time and money are spent on sports. That was the thing that got me about baseball. It’s a kid’s game for crying out loud! We grew up playing ball in an empty lot where we had to run around the tall grass to flatten it down enough so we could see each other. Hopefully, we would catch every fly ball so we would not lose the ball in that sea of green. It would take forever to find it, if at all. If our radar was not working that day, we would have to head home. More than likely it was the only ball we had. I always felt bad leaving the ball behind. I thought it would get lonely out there on its own. Of course, we would always find another ball in the high grass that we lost a few days ago, it would weigh 50 pounds from all the water it retained while it was hiding from us. After a few days in the hot summer sun and it was dry enough, and not as slippery for our small hands to use in one of our big games. Today you watch a Major League game and every pitch that the ball touches the ground the Umpire throws it out of play. We would have killed to have a dry ball and only a speck of dirt on it. We would play in the light of the nearby street lights along Anderson Road. Katonah, New York is where I learned to play baseball. I can remember like it was yesterday, my dad throwing “high pops” at my best friend Brucie and me. Neither one of us could catch to save our lives. Brucie caught more than one on the top of the head, while it seemed I favored to let the ball hit my forearm or wrist ‘til my hand went numb. We eventually got the hang of using our gloves to catch and went on to be pretty good ballplayers. A few years later, Brucie and I were asked to play on an All-Star Team with the “Older Boys”. I was so proud of Brucie and me, as we played together on that diamond. In our minds, it was our moment playing a World Series Game at Yankee Stadium. Today grown men are paid millions of dollars to play a kid's game. We played for the love of the game. Some in the majors still do. Derek Jeter is a great ambassador for the game with his enthusiasm and skill. He remembers Joe DiMaggio’s advice that there are kids out there seeing him play for the first time, so play with the enthusiasm of your first game, every game. And he does. It's guys like him that give the game that old-time appeal. Hopefully, there is more of his brand of ballplayer coming down the pike, or sadly America will lose its favorite pastime to corporate greed, and other distractions. So am I a sports fan...probably not. Maybe it’s just the nostalgia of it all. I guess for me watching my team brings back a bit of the innocence of my childhood. Simpler days of sitting in the living room with my dad, or the pure adrenalin rush as Rangers radio man Marv Albert’s voice raised an octave just before he uttered the sweetest words “He shoots…he scores!.” I guess I love the seamless tradition of sports, at least with my teams. The Dolphins, Rangers, and Yankees have changed their uniforms very little if any over the years, and I like that. A constant, lineal reminder of a time long ago that eases us ever so gently into the future. So maybe I am a sports fan, it’s not such a bad thing after all.