The quiet was enough to make any sane man crazy. She has left a void in this place. A place, filled with her life and spirit, now dark with only the memories of her smile and laugh. I hate this place now, well maybe not this apartment, but being alone. I was content with the solitude I have been living for years. But now, I feel alone. I hate being lonely, it seems so weak. It is nice in a way to have somebody to miss. I hope she is missing me too. I’m not totally sure where I stand with her. Well, maybe I do under all the insecurity I have when it comes to love and relationships. I’m such a jerk sometimes, she is not even gone yet, sleeping in the other room, and I am feeling the pangs of loneliness, I’m missing her terribly. What am I going to do without her here with me? Can I go back to the day before her, can I really hold it together emotionally? I’m scared to death that she’s not feeling the same things I am. I’ve laid my heart out, I’m so afraid to have it shattered into a million pieces. It’s my fault, I’ve set myself up for a huge fall. When the hell am I going to grow up, when will I stop all this bullshit I do to myself? I really hate myself sometimes!
Tomorrow is the day she leaves for real. What a mess I’ll be at the airport I’m sure. I don’t want to spoil the time I have left. I can’t believe I’m acting this way…like a High School kid with raging hormones…Maybe I'm afraid there won't be more, maybe I won't be able to win her to fall in love with me...shit!
Well, I held it together at the airport. There was so much confusion that it took my mind off the fact that I would have to let go of her hand soon. I miss that hand that always reached for mine when we were driving somewhere, or walking the streets of New York City. Even when we were hanging out at home, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. “Hugs & Kisses” is our mantra, we say it all the time and I love it!
Reality struck hard when I got home from the airport. For eight wonderful days we were as close as a whisper, and now coming home, she was gone. I walked around the apartment hoping that she was still there. But I could feel the life and light she brought with her from Michigan had left with her, It was too overwhelming…and I cried.
I was doing better until she called me from Detroit. I loved hearing her voice and knowing that her flight had arrived safely. I hated the geographical distance I could feel through the phone line. She called again later crying a bit and she told me she missed me. I missed her even more at that moment. Veronika is in my heart, and that is where it aches from the piece she took with her. I love her, I’m in love with her, and I have been for some time now. My eight days with an Angel made it clear that I need her and that I want her by my side.
The other day she was talking to some of her family back in Ukraine via Internet Skype. She asked me if I wanted to say hello. It felt so good to be included in her family time. When I sat down she introduced me by saying, “This is my Al.” That was so sweet and kind, it made me feel so on top of the world. There were so many moments like that over the eight days we had together. Memories last a lifetime. I know more times are coming, so many more times of tenderness, caring, and love. I know I must focus on the here and now, but I will most definitely have an eye on the future. I have never ached so badly for someone before. It is bittersweet to have a long-distance relationship. It’s good to have her in my life, but it is difficult to not be able to reach out to touch her, or look across the room and see her just being her beautiful self. My eight days with this Angel named Veronika, I believe is the beginning of a wondrous story yet to be written. We will write it together, my Veronika and I.
