The Old Stone Wall

The old stone wall still stands after years of neglect and weather beating. Made by the hands of a skilled mason to retain the property, and bring beauty to an awkward landscape. Who really knows what its real purpose was back when it was made. Maybe sheep were contained there, or goats. Maybe my imagination is too fertile and it was just built simply for aesthetics. I’m sure it was beautiful on its day. Today it has a different kind of beauty. The moss and overgrowth tell the story of age, and for some reason cause me to wonder about it on an almost daily basis. Maybe I see myself in it, I’m not nearly as old, but in years past I have felt just as neglected and even forgotten. I feel just as strong as I ever have, but I certainly have gone through some physical changes over the years. I wonder how many people have noticed that wall over the years. Or was it just taken for granted? I enjoy seeing it every day, it reminds me that even when we are not mindful of everything in our lives, they are there, constant and necessary. I guess things only have worth when we put a value on them. People are never just an aesthetic part of our lives, or at least I hope not. I look at Hollywood and the fashion industry and understand why they are for the most part so troubled and unhappy. The public only wants them for what they can do, or for their appearance. To me, it is sad to look at someone like Michael Jackson. To the outsider's limited view he had everything. He had fame, talent, and money, and he was considered one of the most recognized people on the planet. Yet with all that going for him, he was not happy. He was only a commodity, a logo that lined pockets with plenty of cash. It’s really sad if you think about it if you break it down into a very human perspective. This man brought nearly 50 years of enjoyment and entertainment to millions of people around the world, and I have to stop and wonder how much enjoyment he was afforded, or had to call his own. Who really knows the truth behind all the allegations…it’s not for me to judge. Michael is gone now, as you and I will someday be. I bet that the old stone wall will still be there, where it’s always been, constant. I sure hope someone notices it every once in a while, and even enjoys it.

Rainy Day

Another rainy day in New York, and maybe where you are too. We have a couple of choices to make. We can either let it get us down, or we can rise above it and see it for what it is. I have noticed how much the trees are changing and their leaves are being presented more and more every day. The rain has helped in that process, and it’s wonderful to see. Without the rain, I believe we would not appreciate the beautiful days ahead. Richard Nixon said in his farewell speech to the White House staff; “…because the greatness comes not when things go good for you, but the greatness comes and you are really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes, because only if you have been in the deepest valley, can you know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain…” Let’s enjoy the rain when it comes, it has a purpose, if only to set up the beautiful things in store for us. The positive only outweighs the negative if we let it. It’s there for us to grasp, and enjoy today even if it rains. For tomorrow the sun will be shining all that much brighter, and we may forget the rain, even if it’s for just a little while.

The Heart...You Can't Beat It

I had the thought this morning that life is too short not to go with the leading of your heart. If you have love, stay with it...if you find love, run with it...and if you need love, extend yourself to love others, and it will come back to you. Have a wonderful day...and listen to your heart, you can't beat it!

Just Do It!

I apologize for the near silence from my end of the keyboard. You would think I would have a ton of things to say being I am at the happiest place in my life. I have my “V”, the love of my life and a great friend. I have made several health decisions that were a long time coming. I have finally made the move to lose some weight, and eat a healthier diet. Exercise is also on the menu these days…can you imagine? One other thing that has had a hold on me for a long time has finally been tossed by the wayside. The grip cigarettes have had on my life is being addressed as we speak by the grace of God, strong determination, and the NicoDerm CQ patch. If you are struggling with smoking, try the patch! If you don’t smoke, buy a box for someone that does and tell them it’s because you love them and you want them around while. So here I am, making strides to prolong a once pathetic life (In my mind only) I’m feeling good, and like I said before never happier. I hope you are doing the things in life that make you happy. Life is short my friends, enjoy every day as a gift. Enjoy the people you call friends and love deeper the ones you love. Give yourself a break also. Look for the things that you’ve always wanted to change in your life. Go to that place you’ve always wanted to go. Be the person you know you are inside, wear your heart on your sleeve, and smile no matter what’s going on. Have a great day…Just Do It!

Alive!

Back to the real world. Two weeks of the most incredible vacation time have come to an end for me. But, those days will be with me until my last breath is taken. I’ve spent so much time soul searching, and exploring so many different emotions over the past several months. The past 2 weeks have been the culmination of those many months of struggle. Love has been solidified, and I have been brought back to emotional life. For so many years I have been just surviving. I never believed that I would love again, let alone be loved by someone so incredible. I am truly a blessed man. So why am I writing this to you? Is it just to brag about my new love, or is there something for everyone here? The real story here is that many of us have been just surviving in this life. “Dead man walking” if you will. It took someone’s love to open my eyes to the quagmire my life had become. Where are you today? Are you really living your life despite your circumstances? Even if you are living the dream, are you sharing it with others that so desperately need someone like you? Obviously, it doesn’t have to be a new love. It can be anything that makes you feel alive. Are you feeling alive today?

8 Days With An Angel

The quiet was enough to make any sane man crazy. She has left a void in this place. A place, filled with her life and spirit, now dark with only the memories of her smile and laugh. I hate this place now, well maybe not this apartment, but being alone. I was content with the solitude I have been living for years. But now, I feel alone. I hate being lonely, it seems so weak. It is nice in a way to have somebody to miss. I hope she is missing me too. I’m not totally sure where I stand with her. Well, maybe I do under all the insecurity I have when it comes to love and relationships. I’m such a jerk sometimes, she is not even gone yet, sleeping in the other room, and I am feeling the pangs of loneliness, I’m missing her terribly. What am I going to do without her here with me? Can I go back to the day before her, can I really hold it together emotionally? I’m scared to death that she’s not feeling the same things I am. I’ve laid my heart out, I’m so afraid to have it shattered into a million pieces. It’s my fault, I’ve set myself up for a huge fall. When the hell am I going to grow up, when will I stop all this bullshit I do to myself? I really hate myself sometimes!

Tomorrow is the day she leaves for real. What a mess I’ll be at the airport I’m sure. I don’t want to spoil the time I have left. I can’t believe I’m acting this way…like a High School kid with raging hormones…Maybe I'm afraid there won't be more, maybe I won't be able to win her to fall in love with me...shit!

Well, I held it together at the airport. There was so much confusion that it took my mind off the fact that I would have to let go of her hand soon. I miss that hand that always reached for mine when we were driving somewhere, or walking the streets of New York City. Even when we were hanging out at home, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. “Hugs & Kisses” is our mantra, we say it all the time and I love it!

Reality struck hard when I got home from the airport. For eight wonderful days we were as close as a whisper, and now coming home, she was gone. I walked around the apartment hoping that she was still there. But I could feel the life and light she brought with her from Michigan had left with her, It was too overwhelming…and I cried.
I was doing better until she called me from Detroit. I loved hearing her voice and knowing that her flight had arrived safely. I hated the geographical distance I could feel through the phone line. She called again later crying a bit and she told me she missed me. I missed her even more at that moment. Veronika is in my heart, and that is where it aches from the piece she took with her. I love her, I’m in love with her, and I have been for some time now. My eight days with an Angel made it clear that I need her and that I want her by my side.

The other day she was talking to some of her family back in Ukraine via Internet Skype. She asked me if I wanted to say hello. It felt so good to be included in her family time. When I sat down she introduced me by saying, “This is my Al.” That was so sweet and kind, it made me feel so on top of the world. There were so many moments like that over the eight days we had together. Memories last a lifetime. I know more times are coming, so many more times of tenderness, caring, and love. I know I must focus on the here and now, but I will most definitely have an eye on the future. I have never ached so badly for someone before. It is bittersweet to have a long-distance relationship. It’s good to have her in my life, but it is difficult to not be able to reach out to touch her, or look across the room and see her just being her beautiful self. My eight days with this Angel named Veronika, I believe is the beginning of a wondrous story yet to be written. We will write it together, my Veronika and I.

V

She came like a breeze to heal my brokenness She breaths life into my tired soul She stirs my imagination to dream big again She asks for nothing in return but simple love She is the springtime in my years of winters She has awakened my heart from its long hibernation She is the bridge that frees me from my silent isolation She is the cool water that satisfies my deep thirst. She is the sunshine that warms my day She is the fullness of the moon in my midnight sky She brings light to my innermost darkness She is the balance in my hectic, and unforgiving world She has the natural appearance of an angel She brings humor on her wings She carries herself with the grace of royalty She is the calm within my raging storm